1
00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,300
I'd not seen a lot of Simon in the past
few weeks because he had a new hobby

2
00:00:24,300 --> 00:00:28,100
Spending as much time as was humanly
possible munching his girlfriend's face

3
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:34,400
off Hi, what's going on in here? What
the bloody fuck do you think you're

4
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:38,580
doing? Language Coming to check up on
you Check up on me? What are you, like

5
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,700
the Thornton Artsies police?

6
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:44,020
Hello Tara Hello Miss Scuba Jesus
Christ, we're just studying Yeah, but

7
00:00:44,020 --> 00:00:45,940
you don't do biology Is that supposed to
be funny?

8
00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:48,260
We'd like you to stick to what we
agreed, Simon.

9
00:00:48,540 --> 00:00:51,940
We don't mind you having girls up here,
but you've got to leave the door open.

10
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:53,760
Yeah, so that we don't miss any of the
good stuff.

11
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,940
Jesus. Only kidding, Tara, but
seriously, you do have to keep the door

12
00:00:56,940 --> 00:00:57,940
open. Yes, fine.

13
00:00:58,320 --> 00:00:59,320
We'll leave you then.

14
00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:00,420
Yep.

15
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:03,740
Leave you to it. Oh, go away, you sad
man.

16
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,440
Simon, won't they come back? They won't.

17
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:14,490
Shh, they'll hear you. God, I'm just so
horny. I know you are.

18
00:01:14,690 --> 00:01:17,430
Look, it feels like we've been going out
for ages now.

19
00:01:17,850 --> 00:01:22,590
So I was thinking we should, you know,
have sex.

20
00:01:24,830 --> 00:01:25,789
I'm sorry?

21
00:01:25,790 --> 00:01:27,970
I'm ready. I mean, we love each other,
right?

22
00:01:28,710 --> 00:01:31,850
Yeah. So I was trying to work out where.

23
00:01:32,130 --> 00:01:34,570
Where we could be alone, away from our
parents and everyone.

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00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:35,970
Down the bottom of the garden.

25
00:01:36,570 --> 00:01:39,160
What? There are some bushes down the
bottom of my garden. We could do it

26
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:40,840
there. I'm pretty sure you can't be seen
from the house.

27
00:01:41,180 --> 00:01:44,100
Simon, I'm not having sex in your
garden.

28
00:01:44,820 --> 00:01:45,820
What about in my car?

29
00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,320
No. I know it's not perfect, but I think
we both need to compromise, yeah?

30
00:01:49,740 --> 00:01:54,220
Yeah? Look, my sister is at Warwick Uni.
It's not too far and she's always saying

31
00:01:54,220 --> 00:01:55,220
I should go and visit.

32
00:01:55,480 --> 00:01:58,160
I've told her I'm coming up with you for
the weekend.

33
00:01:58,580 --> 00:01:59,580
Right, great.

34
00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:04,100
Why? So we can have lovely sex together.
This weekend?

35
00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:05,460
Yep. Lovely.

36
00:02:06,330 --> 00:02:07,330
That would be lovely.

37
00:02:07,690 --> 00:02:08,690
The sex.

38
00:02:09,289 --> 00:02:12,010
You do want to make love to me, don't
you?

39
00:02:12,890 --> 00:02:16,870
Yeah. Well, tell me then.

40
00:02:17,730 --> 00:02:22,510
Talk to me to get me in the mood. I like
imagining things.

41
00:02:23,570 --> 00:02:25,590
Um, is this like dirty talk?

42
00:02:25,870 --> 00:02:28,230
Yes, Simon. Just try it. It's naughty.

43
00:02:28,850 --> 00:02:34,870
OK. Um, well, I'd like to kiss your...

44
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:41,300
boobs oh good see i like that okay well
god my

45
00:02:41,300 --> 00:02:47,760
penis is really hard for you and what
are you gonna do to me i'm gonna fuck

46
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:54,040
your fucking fanny off you twat um okay

47
00:02:54,040 --> 00:03:01,040
oh god fuck off open that door simon

48
00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:04,540
has hit the jackpot A girl who still
wanted to have sex with him, even after

49
00:03:04,540 --> 00:03:07,820
getting to know him. Which meant I got
to spend some quality time with Jay and

50
00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:08,820
Neil.

51
00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:10,280
Low quality time.

52
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:11,760
Oi, Neil.

53
00:03:11,820 --> 00:03:14,320
Did you hear about Chris Wharton from
the paper shop? Nah, what? He was

54
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,460
mucking about up the wreck, got his head
wedged in the bottle bank, got stuck

55
00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:20,480
there all night. By the time someone
found him in the morning, he'd been arse

56
00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:21,740
-raped 18 times.

57
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:23,360
Oh, mate, that's grim.

58
00:03:23,780 --> 00:03:25,020
I have a few questions.

59
00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:28,460
Like what? Well, one, why was he
sticking his head in the bottle bank?

60
00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:29,720
Looking for bottles you mug.

61
00:03:30,090 --> 00:03:33,830
OK. Number two, what you're saying is
the first 18 people to have discovered

62
00:03:33,830 --> 00:03:37,510
him in this state just happened to be
opportunistic homosexual rapists. Looks

63
00:03:37,510 --> 00:03:38,429
like it.

64
00:03:38,430 --> 00:03:39,810
Hey, where was your dad last night,
Neil?

65
00:03:40,070 --> 00:03:40,929
Badminton. Why?

66
00:03:40,930 --> 00:03:41,930
Of course he was.

67
00:03:42,050 --> 00:03:45,970
And finally, why, after what was at best
a humiliating evening, would he as the

68
00:03:45,970 --> 00:03:48,730
victim tell anyone, let alone you, about
it?

69
00:03:48,930 --> 00:03:52,050
I used to sit next to him in woodwork.
Of course. Well, thanks for clearing

70
00:03:52,050 --> 00:03:54,710
that up. Much as I'm enjoying our
morning chats, I can't help wishing

71
00:03:54,710 --> 00:03:55,710
Simon was around more.

72
00:03:55,970 --> 00:03:56,970
Who?

73
00:03:57,710 --> 00:04:00,920
Simon. Oh, you can forget about him,
mate. He's probably off with his

74
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,660
girlfriend. Yeah, as per usual.

75
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:06,380
Girlfriend. Yeah, he's all like, Oh,
everyone, look at me. I've got a

76
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,480
girlfriend and I love going round her
house and listening to her shit music

77
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:12,420
and laughing at her shit jokes and
pretending that she's fit when she's not

78
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,500
even really that fit.

79
00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:14,559
Who's not that fit?

80
00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:15,319
Your mum.

81
00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,160
Nice. She isn't, though. You can say
what you like because guess who's going

82
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:19,220
to get laid this weekend?

83
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:20,579
I don't know. Is it someone famous?

84
00:04:20,980 --> 00:04:23,240
It's me, Neil. Well, don't say before
I've guessed.

85
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:24,600
Not really.

86
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,910
Really? Shit, that's amazing.

87
00:04:27,190 --> 00:04:28,029
With Tara.

88
00:04:28,030 --> 00:04:30,150
We're going to our sister's house in
Warwick. Oh, it's going to be brilliant.

89
00:04:30,310 --> 00:04:31,310
This is a big deal.

90
00:04:31,490 --> 00:04:35,290
A very big deal. I know. You got your
plan of action all sorted, then? You

91
00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:36,290
know, for the shagging? The what?

92
00:04:36,550 --> 00:04:38,750
No. The what? Oh, shit.

93
00:04:39,050 --> 00:04:41,090
Oh, fucking hell. Good luck, then.

94
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:42,740
I don't need a plan.

95
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:43,579
Uh-oh.

96
00:04:43,580 --> 00:04:45,560
Oh, mate, you're in serious trouble.

97
00:04:45,820 --> 00:04:46,820
Of course you need a plan.

98
00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:50,820
Bloke I knew didn't have a plan on his
first time. Went in too quick, broke his

99
00:04:50,820 --> 00:04:51,820
knob in half.

100
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:53,240
Bollocks. You don't need a plan.

101
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:54,520
I didn't have a plan with Charlotte.

102
00:04:54,860 --> 00:04:55,860
Oh, right, and how did that go?

103
00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:58,560
I pogoed on her stomach for five
seconds, she asked me to leave and I'm

104
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:01,220
still a virgin. That's not the point. No
offence, Robert, I really don't want any

105
00:05:01,220 --> 00:05:03,220
sexual advice from you. I have taken
some offence.

106
00:05:03,460 --> 00:05:04,560
It'll be fine, I'll be OK.

107
00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:06,380
I just need to get some condoms, that's
all.

108
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,320
Oh, for fuck's sake, don't wear a
Johnny. It's a guaranteed hard-on

109
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,680
killer. That's why they call it safe
sex, cos you can't get it up. Well, that

110
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:14,399
isn't the reason.

111
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,500
Look, if you have to bag it up, at least
get her to put it on for you. That way

112
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:18,740
you might get a few more seconds of
wood.

113
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,400
Really? Does that work?

114
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,020
Yeah, get her to pop it on with her
mouth.

115
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:23,240
Oh, mouth's a good idea.

116
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:24,620
Or arsehole.

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00:05:24,740 --> 00:05:28,160
What? Sometimes I like to get them to
put it on with their bum. Back into it.

118
00:05:28,340 --> 00:05:30,440
I don't know if I can ask her that. It's
her first time too.

119
00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:31,820
Yeah, it's probably a bit specialist.

120
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,020
But you're going to have to do something
if you want to stay hard.

121
00:05:34,490 --> 00:05:35,610
Oh, God, this is a nightmare.

122
00:05:35,970 --> 00:05:36,909
Should I write this down?

123
00:05:36,910 --> 00:05:38,210
These are the basics, mate.

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00:05:38,690 --> 00:05:41,330
If you want, me and Neil can come along,
talk you through it beforehand.

125
00:05:41,670 --> 00:05:42,810
Make sure you don't embarrass yourself.

126
00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:44,810
Really?

127
00:05:45,930 --> 00:05:48,170
What about a minge, Jay? You never even
mentioned that.

128
00:05:48,430 --> 00:05:50,550
Oh, we've not even started on the minge.

129
00:05:50,910 --> 00:05:53,150
Now, the minge has two main parts.

130
00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:55,970
The flaps and the clitty. What about the
hole?

131
00:05:56,750 --> 00:05:57,489
All right, three.

132
00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,830
It's mainly all about the clitty. Oh,
God!

133
00:06:00,370 --> 00:06:04,450
Jay's encyclopaedic sex tips continued
all day, from analingus to a zookeeper

134
00:06:04,450 --> 00:06:08,350
he once fucked. And as we walked home,
he had even more good news for Simon.

135
00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:11,310
Right, so I made a few calls, moved some
stuff around, some good news.

136
00:06:11,770 --> 00:06:14,550
Me and Neil can come with you to help
out. That's going to look weird, isn't

137
00:06:14,550 --> 00:06:16,670
it? It'll look weird when you try and
fuck her in the ear because she doesn't

138
00:06:16,670 --> 00:06:19,130
know what you're doing. And what am I
going to tell Tara when she asks why

139
00:06:19,130 --> 00:06:20,109
you're there?

140
00:06:20,110 --> 00:06:22,550
Oh, I don't know, just tell her we're
your mates and have known you longer

141
00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,710
than she has and to shut her fucking
whining.

142
00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:26,940
And you could mention I've got a lot of
fingering experience.

143
00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:28,400
Fine, God, all right.

144
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:29,519
Nice one.

145
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,680
And then, while you're finally putting
your knob to good use, me and Neil will

146
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:33,920
be tapping up the campus clunge.

147
00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:36,620
Won't university be a bit boring,
though, just like a load of wheels

148
00:06:36,620 --> 00:06:37,499
hanging around?

149
00:06:37,500 --> 00:06:40,240
No! Everyone knows it's where posh birds
go to set their gash free.

150
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,820
Nice. Oh, and, Si, as we're doing you a
favour, I'm not paying petrol money.

151
00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:45,319
Fine, whatever.

152
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:46,139
I'll pick you up at one.

153
00:06:46,140 --> 00:06:47,140
Cool. See you tomorrow, then.

154
00:06:47,220 --> 00:06:48,680
Well, you're definitely not coming.

155
00:06:49,340 --> 00:06:53,130
But... Well, it's one of my choices,
so... So what? Go to the open day. Don't

156
00:06:53,130 --> 00:06:54,270
come with me when I'm trying to get
laid.

157
00:06:54,690 --> 00:06:57,930
All right, look, the truth is, I don't
want to be left out.

158
00:06:58,650 --> 00:06:59,650
I get lonely.

159
00:07:00,410 --> 00:07:02,930
Oh, for fuck's sake. All right, I'll see
you tomorrow, then.

160
00:07:03,950 --> 00:07:06,870
So Simon whisked Tara away for their
romantic weekend.

161
00:07:07,170 --> 00:07:10,190
And it's fair to say it wasn't exactly
as she'd imagined it.

162
00:07:11,490 --> 00:07:14,210
I bet you've never had a boyfriend with
a car this embarrassing, eh, Tara?

163
00:07:14,490 --> 00:07:15,810
Actually, I like Simon's car.

164
00:07:16,230 --> 00:07:19,150
It's so tragic. At least I know he's not
out picking up girls in it.

165
00:07:19,470 --> 00:07:21,710
Oh, Christ, she's done you.

166
00:07:22,070 --> 00:07:25,590
Oh, I've picked up girls before in this.
No, you haven't. Yeah, I have. And did

167
00:07:25,590 --> 00:07:27,890
you make these girls sit in the back,
too, cos you made good shotgun?

168
00:07:28,190 --> 00:07:29,069
It's the rules.

169
00:07:29,070 --> 00:07:30,210
It is the rules, Tara.

170
00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,950
Can you slow down a bit, at least,
Simon? OK, Tara, sorry.

171
00:07:34,810 --> 00:07:36,370
You really don't fucking 65.

172
00:07:36,850 --> 00:07:38,930
I get car sick, especially in the back.

173
00:07:39,230 --> 00:07:40,950
There's no rush. Let's enjoy the drive.

174
00:07:41,250 --> 00:07:44,170
Yes, this really is one of the more
beautiful stretches of anonymous British

175
00:07:44,170 --> 00:07:47,790
motorway. It's not Tara's fault she gets
car sick. I can speak for myself, Simon.

176
00:07:49,540 --> 00:07:50,540
Jay, shut up.

177
00:07:52,340 --> 00:07:54,780
Ow, something hard's digging into my
leg.

178
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,980
Don't look at me, although it could
reach from here.

179
00:07:57,820 --> 00:07:58,880
Shit, what is this?

180
00:07:59,360 --> 00:07:59,979
Oh, that's mine.

181
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,100
Why are you taking a four-litre bottle
of orangeade?

182
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,600
Warrick. I like it. Being a good guest,
bring a bottle in that.

183
00:08:05,020 --> 00:08:08,020
Bring a bottle means alcohol, Neil. Nah,
everyone likes orangeade. You make

184
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:12,460
cocktails with it, like vodka and
orangeade or whiskey and orangeade or

185
00:08:12,460 --> 00:08:15,460
wine and orangeade. Those aren't
cocktails. That's just the names of some

186
00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:18,380
drinks with orangeade added to the end.
Yeah, well, at least I'm being polite.

187
00:08:18,700 --> 00:08:21,980
Well, thank you, Neil. I'm sure my
sister will appreciate it. Yeah, I know

188
00:08:21,980 --> 00:08:22,980
what she wouldn't appreciate.

189
00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:26,500
Oh, no, Neil, you haven't. What?

190
00:08:26,860 --> 00:08:28,060
Unbelievable. Oh!

191
00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:33,909
No, no, you farted again. Not sure.
Could be fart, could be worse.

192
00:08:34,210 --> 00:08:37,210
Oh, for fuck's sake, open a window. You
need to see a bowel specialist.

193
00:08:37,570 --> 00:08:40,750
Or you could ask his dad. He likes
inspecting men's anuses. Oh, I feel

194
00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:42,770
really ill. Simon, can you pull over?

195
00:08:42,970 --> 00:08:45,010
Oh, calm down. It was only a sausage and
egg McMuffin.

196
00:08:45,250 --> 00:08:48,130
Oh, there's the hash brown.

197
00:08:48,330 --> 00:08:49,330
Jesus Christ.

198
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:51,150
Simon, please open a window.

199
00:08:52,070 --> 00:08:56,210
Fortunately, Neil's McFarts calmed down
just outside Warwick, which is more than

200
00:08:56,210 --> 00:08:57,210
could be said for Tara.

201
00:08:57,910 --> 00:09:00,830
Either they're getting the train back or
I am. Look, it'll be fine. Let's just

202
00:09:00,830 --> 00:09:01,830
remember why we're here, yeah?

203
00:09:02,190 --> 00:09:05,050
I didn't know there'd be so many of you.
They've just come to hang out, OK?

204
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:06,490
Apart from him, he's lonely.

205
00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:10,030
No. You see, some of us are going to
university next year, so I thought I'd

206
00:09:10,030 --> 00:09:12,750
come along, check the place out, maybe
even make a few friends, just in case,

207
00:09:12,750 --> 00:09:14,890
you know, worst comes to worst and I end
up at Warwick.

208
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:18,170
Meaning? Well, just, you know, it's not
my first choice. It's your last choice,

209
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:19,370
isn't it? But it is a choice.

210
00:09:19,650 --> 00:09:21,970
I think that's the key point here. I
brought some orange, Jade, for the

211
00:09:21,970 --> 00:09:23,210
party. There isn't a party.

212
00:09:23,670 --> 00:09:26,390
Well, we could make it a party. No, you
couldn't. God, it's bad enough that

213
00:09:26,390 --> 00:09:29,310
Joe's idiotic friends descend on our
front room practically every night. Oh,

214
00:09:29,330 --> 00:09:30,330
is he still a nightmare?

215
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:32,430
God, he's a complete tool. All he does
is drink.

216
00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:34,410
I don't know why we agreed to share with
him. Joe.

217
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:37,990
Interesting. Bit of a social hub, is he?
The big man on campus.

218
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:39,210
The go-to guy.

219
00:09:42,050 --> 00:09:44,830
Right, well, Christian's away, so I
suppose those three can sleep in his

220
00:09:44,830 --> 00:09:47,300
room. I'll share with Heike, although
she's got the flu. That'll probably mean

221
00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:48,300
me catching it too.

222
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,020
And Tara, you and him can have my room.
Oh, thanks, sis.

223
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,860
I'm not mad keen on the idea of you
having sex at all, but at least this way

224
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:54,860
I know you're doing it somewhere
comfortable.

225
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:55,979
Oh, absolutely.

226
00:09:55,980 --> 00:09:56,980
Only in her vagina.

227
00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,460
I meant in my bed.

228
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:01,620
Um, so did I.

229
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,120
Why'd you say vagina, then?

230
00:10:04,660 --> 00:10:05,660
Hmm.

231
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,860
Come on, Tara. I'll show you where the
condoms and spare sheets are.

232
00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:11,540
Nice to meet you, Sophie.

233
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:13,760
Who's Heike?

234
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,240
Flat mate. Fit, apparently.

235
00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:19,100
Dutch. Oh, I've never met a Dutch.
Always the filthiest. And you know that,

236
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,340
do you? Yes, I fucked a Dutch girl.
Bollocks never been to Holland.

237
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:24,200
Yeah, I have. It was the West Ham
under-13s football tour.

238
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,920
Oh, right. And what did she do to you
when you were 12 that was so filthy?

239
00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:28,560
Give you a blowjob in a windmill?

240
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,920
Wank you off with clogs? Nah, look, it
was properly filthy.

241
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:33,660
I shouldn't tell. Try us.

242
00:10:34,860 --> 00:10:35,860
All right.

243
00:10:35,980 --> 00:10:38,020
Well, when I fingered her, she shit down
my arm.

244
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:45,080
Should we go and look where we're
sleeping then? Yeah.

245
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:49,380
And to think, I used to associate
Holland with tulips.

246
00:10:58,840 --> 00:11:02,600
We'd only travelled as far as Warwick
University, but Sophie's flatmate Joe

247
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:04,340
and his friends seemed to speak a
different language.

248
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,320
Good evening, Commander Bombardier. Good
evening, Admiral.

249
00:11:08,620 --> 00:11:11,480
All right, Soph, where's this little
sister of yours, then? She's upstairs

250
00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:12,780
with her boyfriend.

251
00:11:13,220 --> 00:11:15,060
Ooh, boyfriend denied?

252
00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:18,260
Denied. Denied. Come in, gentlemen, and
we'll commence.

253
00:11:18,740 --> 00:11:19,740
Don't break anything.

254
00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:22,900
Right, Specky.

255
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,940
Ah, an insulting nickname.

256
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,660
I think it meant they liked me.

257
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,820
Meanwhile, it was a good job Jay and
Neil had their sleeves rolled down

258
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:31,260
because there was a Dutch girl on the
loose.

259
00:11:31,740 --> 00:11:32,740
Oh, hello.

260
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:34,100
Well, hello there.

261
00:11:34,270 --> 00:11:35,810
You are Sophie's sister's friends?

262
00:11:37,090 --> 00:11:38,090
Uh, yeah.

263
00:11:38,110 --> 00:11:39,710
Okay. Very welcome.

264
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:42,870
I have a fucking cold, so I'm looking
for the bloody tissues.

265
00:11:43,810 --> 00:11:45,370
Bless you. Thank you.

266
00:11:46,310 --> 00:11:48,390
There are the bloody things.

267
00:11:48,790 --> 00:11:51,130
See you guys. Have a super fun night.

268
00:11:51,350 --> 00:11:52,670
Oh, we will have a super fun night.

269
00:11:52,970 --> 00:11:53,970
Most definitely.

270
00:11:54,690 --> 00:11:56,270
Great. Yep.

271
00:11:59,190 --> 00:12:00,190
Bye to you.

272
00:12:03,310 --> 00:12:04,770
Fucking hell, she's fit. Yeah?

273
00:12:05,090 --> 00:12:06,390
She looks like she loves cock.

274
00:12:06,610 --> 00:12:07,950
Do you have to do it different with a
Dutch bird?

275
00:12:08,250 --> 00:12:10,490
There are three things you need to know
about European birds, Neil.

276
00:12:10,710 --> 00:12:14,490
They're filthy, they're hairy, and they
don't mind if you wipe it on the

277
00:12:14,490 --> 00:12:15,490
curtains.

278
00:12:16,830 --> 00:12:20,490
I'd always imagined my evenings at uni
would consist of study, heated

279
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:23,470
intellectual debate, and avoiding
elderly homosexual lecturers.

280
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:26,090
The reality at Warwick was a little
different.

281
00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:27,730
Next game is Fuzzy Duck.

282
00:12:28,070 --> 00:12:30,010
Duckmaster General, to my left, Fuzzy
Duck.

283
00:12:30,330 --> 00:12:32,230
Fuzzy Duck. Dozzy. Fuzzy Duck.

284
00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:35,869
Hey, fellas.

285
00:12:35,870 --> 00:12:38,470
You don't mind if I join you, do you?
Ooh, question.

286
00:12:38,890 --> 00:12:39,749
Two fingers.

287
00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:41,550
What? What does two fingers mean?

288
00:12:41,770 --> 00:12:42,770
Two fingers of what?

289
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:48,610
Appointing a fine admiral. And the fine
is... Are

290
00:12:48,610 --> 00:12:51,690
you OK?

291
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,280
All right, but after that, can we talk
normally for a bit? Questions!

292
00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:01,260
Questions! Down it! Down it! Down it!
Fine, I was gonna drink it anyway for

293
00:13:01,260 --> 00:13:02,059
fuck's sake.

294
00:13:02,060 --> 00:13:07,780
Down it! Down it! Get it down, you Zulu
warrior! Get it down, you Zulu... What?

295
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,800
Zulu? Why Zulu?

296
00:13:10,020 --> 00:13:13,760
What's going on? Question! Down it! I
honestly have no idea. Can I play?

297
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,080
Questions!

298
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:20,080
It seemed like a vaguely racist, moronic
drinking game. But as these guys were

299
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,700
students, I assumed it was irony.

300
00:13:21,940 --> 00:13:23,000
In the kitchen...

301
00:13:23,329 --> 00:13:24,490
Nothing ironic was happening.

302
00:13:28,390 --> 00:13:30,870
Not in the kitchen, please. I eat in
here. Hi, Sophie.

303
00:13:31,070 --> 00:13:34,690
Hi. Tara, did you find those towels to
put down? Yep. And the flannel? Yeah.

304
00:13:34,970 --> 00:13:37,270
Well, just remember, it's when you're
ready, not when he's ready, OK?

305
00:13:37,910 --> 00:13:39,850
It doesn't have to be tonight, and it
certainly doesn't have to be in the

306
00:13:39,850 --> 00:13:42,130
kitchen. So, what is it you're studying,
Sophie?

307
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,420
But you probably won't enjoy it, but
just make sure you don't regret it, OK?

308
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,220
English, was it? Jesus, give it a rest,
please.

309
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:51,420
Look, I'm only saying these things
because I love you, yeah? Yeah, I know,

310
00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:54,860
but Simon loves me too. Does he? I
should go and check on the others.

311
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,120
No, don't worry.

312
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:57,520
I'm going.

313
00:13:58,460 --> 00:13:59,780
Bye, Sophie. Great to chat.

314
00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:02,960
I think she really likes you.

315
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,080
She seems like she hates me.

316
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:06,880
No, she's probably just jealous.

317
00:14:07,739 --> 00:14:09,820
Really? Yeah, because I've got you.

318
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:13,940
Let's not wait any longer. Let's go to
bed. Great. I just need to run that by

319
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:14,940
Jay and Neil quickly first.

320
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,620
Oh, what? Are you going to ask them for
their advice?

321
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:19,400
Oh, shit. Did Jay tell you? I was
joking.

322
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,220
Um, me too.

323
00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:24,540
I do need to talk to them about dinner,
though. Jay can get really grumpy if he

324
00:14:24,540 --> 00:14:25,289
doesn't eat.

325
00:14:25,290 --> 00:14:26,189
I don't give a fuck.

326
00:14:26,190 --> 00:14:28,990
Look, why don't you go upstairs and get
yourself ready and I'll just tell them

327
00:14:28,990 --> 00:14:29,990
there's some stuff in the fridge, yeah?

328
00:14:30,950 --> 00:14:34,690
Those guys are mental. They're mentally
ill? Do they even speak English?

329
00:14:35,110 --> 00:14:38,210
Oh, you're just fucked off cos we fit in
with uni blokes cos we're a laugh and

330
00:14:38,210 --> 00:14:41,250
you don't cos you're a twat. I love it.
I think I'll go uni now.

331
00:14:41,470 --> 00:14:42,470
I wouldn't bank on it, Neil.

332
00:14:42,850 --> 00:14:43,850
Good times.

333
00:14:44,170 --> 00:14:46,590
Anyway, Jay, I just wanted to talk to
you quickly about dinner.

334
00:14:47,110 --> 00:14:48,230
What, the fish supper you're having?

335
00:14:48,590 --> 00:14:49,710
Simon, are you coming?

336
00:14:50,010 --> 00:14:52,190
Yeah, one minute. I just need to sort
this out.

337
00:14:52,430 --> 00:14:53,430
God, fine!

338
00:14:56,050 --> 00:14:58,230
Well, if she fucks like she complains,
you're in for a treat.

339
00:14:58,750 --> 00:14:59,689
Oh, my God.

340
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:00,690
Is this it then, Si?

341
00:15:00,870 --> 00:15:01,970
Are you going to do it right now?

342
00:15:02,210 --> 00:15:03,210
Listen, I need your advice.

343
00:15:03,690 --> 00:15:06,010
You know you said I'd have a problem
getting it up. I've got the exact

344
00:15:06,010 --> 00:15:09,190
opposite problem. It won't go down. If
she touches it, I'm sure it'll go off

345
00:15:09,190 --> 00:15:10,190
straight away.

346
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:11,189
What am I going to do?

347
00:15:11,190 --> 00:15:13,190
Just be yourself. Be honest with her.

348
00:15:14,050 --> 00:15:15,170
Worst advice ever.

349
00:15:15,470 --> 00:15:16,470
Jay, help me.

350
00:15:16,670 --> 00:15:20,230
Look, it's simple. Go and have a quick
tactical wake now. Then, when she puts

351
00:15:20,230 --> 00:15:22,190
some clums around it, you'll be able to
go for hours.

352
00:15:22,450 --> 00:15:23,910
Right, good idea. Is it? Yes.

353
00:15:24,510 --> 00:15:27,570
Now get up there, knock one out, star on
her, and then don't embarrass yourself.

354
00:15:27,810 --> 00:15:30,510
Yeah, try to forget about how this is
the biggest moment of your life.

355
00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:32,090
Thanks.

356
00:15:33,550 --> 00:15:37,890
So Simon chose Jay's advice over mine,
and as a result, was now masturbating

357
00:15:37,890 --> 00:15:40,470
into a sink whilst inhaling his
girlfriend's sister's knickers.

358
00:15:42,330 --> 00:15:44,790
Simon, come on, come to bed.

359
00:15:45,810 --> 00:15:48,230
Coming. I'm just doing a poo.

360
00:15:49,250 --> 00:15:50,690
Um, OK.

361
00:15:51,970 --> 00:15:53,170
Wash your hands, then.

362
00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:55,220
Yeah.

363
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,900
Downstairs, after only a couple of hours
in their company, I was already hoping

364
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,960
the commander, the bombardier and the
admiral would get sent to Afghanistan.

365
00:16:06,420 --> 00:16:07,420
Wait, Neil.

366
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,440
They eat you down this?

367
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,800
Oh, no, no way. Go on.

368
00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,039
All right, then.

369
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:16,240
You don't have to bow to peer pressure,
Neil. Your mate is fucking boring, isn't

370
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,240
he? Yep.

371
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:22,700
Oh, no, Neil, don't. It's disgusting.
Look, it's got fag butts in it.

372
00:16:27,180 --> 00:16:30,640
Oh, yes, cheer that, because that was so
impressive.

373
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:31,960
What would you like for an encore?

374
00:16:32,100 --> 00:16:33,700
Jay to punch himself in the face?

375
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:34,920
Go on, cheer.

376
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:38,780
You're boring, mate.

377
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:41,640
No, no, I'm not. You are a bit boring.

378
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:46,320
What, because I don't do dares? It takes
no time or effort or skill to down half

379
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,540
a bottle of orangeade. It takes balls,
though.

380
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,660
Yep. Well, I've got balls.

381
00:16:51,280 --> 00:16:52,280
More than you.

382
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,600
More than two.

383
00:16:53,860 --> 00:16:55,520
Well, go on then. Do a dare.

384
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:57,780
Nah, he won't. He's boring.

385
00:16:58,100 --> 00:17:04,300
So what? If I eat this bonsai tree, I
automatically become fun and

386
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:05,300
interesting, do I?

387
00:17:05,380 --> 00:17:06,740
Yes. Fine.

388
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:09,160
Well, I'll eat it then, and we'll see.

389
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:10,599
Go on then. I will.

390
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:26,020
Unfortunately, it turns out bonsai
doesn't mean delicious little tree in

391
00:17:26,020 --> 00:17:27,020
Japanese.

392
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,720
Upstairs, Simon was struggling to get
some wood of his own.

393
00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,180
It is cold in here, isn't it?

394
00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,580
Like, really cold.

395
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,140
Cold a lot tighter, then.

396
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,400
It's the first time I've ever turned the
heating on in here.

397
00:17:38,740 --> 00:17:40,500
Your sex talk is getting worse, Simon.

398
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,740
Right. Is there a draft as well?

399
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:48,180
Look, she's a student. It's expensive,
OK? Do you want to go and talk to her

400
00:17:48,180 --> 00:17:49,180
about gas prices? No.

401
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:50,400
Good.

402
00:17:58,060 --> 00:17:59,340
Are you going to take your top off?

403
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:00,640
I'm cold too, you know.

404
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,160
Of course, sure.

405
00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:03,380
We're established.

406
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,440
Well, get the condom on then.

407
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:08,280
Yeah, I meant to say about that, could
you put it on me?

408
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,480
It's sexier.

409
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,100
OK, if you want.

410
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,360
Are you ready?

411
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:16,240
It doesn't look ready.

412
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:21,160
No, it's fine. I just think it would
help my, you know, readiness a bit if

413
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,280
you put it on with your mouth.

414
00:18:22,580 --> 00:18:23,580
With my mouth?

415
00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:24,820
Or bum.

416
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:26,300
Or bum.

417
00:18:26,620 --> 00:18:30,360
Those two little words every girl dreams
of hearing on her first time.

418
00:18:31,180 --> 00:18:32,900
Downstairs, I was halfway through
dinner.

419
00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:39,900
Guys, I'm going to bed, so can you try
and keep it down, yeah?

420
00:18:40,940 --> 00:18:42,020
What are you doing?

421
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:43,920
Question! Two fingers!

422
00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:46,920
I'm sorry, I was trying to satirise
their bravado.

423
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,760
If you think about it, it worked.

424
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,000
You ate a bonsai tree.

425
00:18:52,980 --> 00:18:56,600
Yes, but... I think you should go to bed
and you lot should leave. Yeah, yeah,

426
00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:58,080
yeah, fine. We're going to the union
anyway.

427
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,760
Nice one, Specs. Thanks for ruining the
evening.

428
00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:03,580
And Jay, remember what we told you about
Hiker, yeah?

429
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:05,920
Where do you think you're going?

430
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,940
Bed. Not without them, you're not.

431
00:19:08,420 --> 00:19:10,880
Oh, and if you fancy a midnight snack,
there's a spider plight in the bathroom.

432
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:15,820
This has been the best night of my life.

433
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,090
So while Neil got a notion about
drinking orangeade and fag butts... Tara

434
00:19:20,090 --> 00:19:22,730
was also doing her best to get something
disgusting in her mouth.

435
00:19:23,390 --> 00:19:24,590
Simon's flaccid penis.

436
00:19:26,470 --> 00:19:32,370
I can't put it on at all. It's like
that.

437
00:19:32,690 --> 00:19:33,690
Is it nuts?

438
00:19:33,710 --> 00:19:35,190
Look, just stop talking about it, hmm?

439
00:19:35,690 --> 00:19:36,690
It's not helping.

440
00:19:36,810 --> 00:19:37,810
Just get it on.

441
00:19:48,689 --> 00:19:52,370
One more time, please. God, okay, just
don't push my head down so hard, yeah?

442
00:19:52,530 --> 00:19:53,530
Sorry.

443
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:00,990
Are you okay?

444
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:06,330
Oh, Simon, it's just not doing anything.

445
00:20:07,190 --> 00:20:08,470
God, why won't it start?

446
00:20:10,330 --> 00:20:12,290
I do think if I could see your boobs it
would help.

447
00:20:13,170 --> 00:20:15,090
Unlike Simon, I could see nipples.

448
00:20:15,570 --> 00:20:18,170
Unfortunately, they were hairy and
attached to a dickhead who would not

449
00:20:18,170 --> 00:20:19,170
shut up.

450
00:20:19,230 --> 00:20:20,950
I know Hyka wants a fuck.

451
00:20:21,670 --> 00:20:23,830
The way she looked at me after she
sneezed.

452
00:20:25,650 --> 00:20:26,650
Sleepy times, pal.

453
00:20:26,870 --> 00:20:28,110
I mean, I've got young meat.

454
00:20:28,430 --> 00:20:29,430
That's what she likes.

455
00:20:29,630 --> 00:20:30,630
The boys said.

456
00:20:31,870 --> 00:20:34,110
The commander says she loves a fuck.

457
00:20:34,410 --> 00:20:35,409
Fine, great.

458
00:20:35,410 --> 00:20:38,790
Why don't you just go and ask her then?
Get out of the bedroom, let me sleep,

459
00:20:38,890 --> 00:20:41,590
and ask her for the fuck she so famously
wants.

460
00:20:43,270 --> 00:20:44,270
All right, I will.

461
00:20:45,290 --> 00:20:47,650
No, Jay, come on. I wasn't serious.

462
00:20:48,050 --> 00:20:49,050
I'm gonna get my Dutch fuck.

463
00:20:49,110 --> 00:20:50,770
Oh, fine, fine.

464
00:20:51,090 --> 00:20:51,829
Off you go.

465
00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:53,630
I'm sick of babysitting you twats
anyway.

466
00:21:01,230 --> 00:21:02,230
Oh, God.

467
00:21:02,690 --> 00:21:03,690
No!

468
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,060
God, Sophie's going to go mental.

469
00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:17,880
Why is it so green?

470
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:19,440
Oh, my head hurts.

471
00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:22,760
Yes, I'll suspend my sympathy as I'm
covered in your piss.

472
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:24,040
It's good for you.

473
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:27,540
Oh, right, so I'll piss on you then,
shall I? Get the fuck to the toilet.

474
00:21:27,940 --> 00:21:30,180
Oh, it smells like pissy sugar puffs.

475
00:21:30,420 --> 00:21:32,240
Oh, I'm a mess. Which one's a bathroom?

476
00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:34,260
More worryingly, where's Jay?

477
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:35,680
Oh,

478
00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:39,060
there he is. Oh, come on, Ike, just give
me a little fuck. I know you want to.

479
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:42,460
Get out. You've got ten seconds to get
out of the house. Don't worry, I've got

480
00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:43,580
enough young meat for you both.

481
00:21:43,860 --> 00:21:45,300
Get! Fucking out!

482
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:48,860
So while Jay had to get out, Simon
couldn't get in.

483
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,600
Simon, Simon, nothing's happening. I
know!

484
00:21:52,820 --> 00:21:56,220
Do you think I don't fucking know that?
I know that better than anyone. I know

485
00:21:56,220 --> 00:21:57,119
it's floppy.

486
00:21:57,120 --> 00:21:59,860
Sorry, I was just saying. Well, don't
just say, OK?

487
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,000
I know better than anyone that my penis
isn't fucking working.

488
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:04,740
It's OK. It's not fucking OK!

489
00:22:05,260 --> 00:22:06,260
It's not OK!

490
00:22:06,420 --> 00:22:07,840
Why don't you start?!

491
00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:11,970
Every time I don't want one, it's there,
and yet the one time I actually need it,

492
00:22:11,990 --> 00:22:13,710
nothing! OK, you're scaring me now.

493
00:22:13,930 --> 00:22:15,750
Just work, you stupid fucking thing!

494
00:22:15,990 --> 00:22:16,990
Get big!

495
00:22:17,310 --> 00:22:18,310
Get big!

496
00:22:18,470 --> 00:22:20,510
Simon! Why aren't you doing it?

497
00:22:20,750 --> 00:22:21,750
Do it!

498
00:22:21,830 --> 00:22:22,830
Get big!

499
00:22:23,150 --> 00:22:25,870
Oh, please, just work, you ugly cunt!

500
00:22:38,770 --> 00:22:40,290
Look, none of this is ideal.

501
00:22:40,570 --> 00:22:41,710
I'm aware of that.

502
00:22:41,930 --> 00:22:43,290
You are disgusting.

503
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,650
Disgusting! Oh, my God, the smell, the
mess!

504
00:22:46,990 --> 00:22:47,990
Sophie!

505
00:22:48,230 --> 00:22:49,950
Sophie's gone weird just like you said
he would.

506
00:22:50,310 --> 00:22:52,930
Tara! Tara! Tara! Look, I've almost got
it!

507
00:22:53,210 --> 00:22:54,210
Oh, hi, everyone.

508
00:22:55,670 --> 00:22:57,950
If you don't get out of my house right
now, I'm going to call the police.

509
00:22:58,290 --> 00:22:59,290
Get out!

510
00:22:59,550 --> 00:23:02,930
All right, this isn't perfect, sure, but
let's be reasonable. None of us have any

511
00:23:02,930 --> 00:23:03,930
clothes on.

512
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:06,550
So are we having this freeway or what?

513
00:23:07,660 --> 00:23:08,880
Okay, okay, we're going.

514
00:23:10,820 --> 00:23:13,540
No, we weren't going to have a
three-way. We were going to spend the

515
00:23:13,540 --> 00:23:16,940
night in Simon's car naked, and then
when we'd sobered up, drive home at

516
00:23:16,940 --> 00:23:18,200
stupid o'clock the next morning.

517
00:23:25,820 --> 00:23:28,560
Didn't Tara want to lift back then, Si?
I think she's okay, Neil.

518
00:23:29,100 --> 00:23:31,740
Oh, I forgot to thank you all for the
advice, by the way. It went perfectly.

519
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:33,000
I'm so glad you lot came along.

520
00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:35,000
What exactly did you do to her then, Si?

521
00:23:35,660 --> 00:23:37,330
Nothing. I think that was the problem.

522
00:23:38,930 --> 00:23:39,930
Get that, Will?

523
00:23:41,810 --> 00:23:42,810
It's Tara.

524
00:23:43,510 --> 00:23:44,510
Oh, cool.

525
00:23:44,970 --> 00:23:46,450
She says never contact her again.

526
00:23:46,830 --> 00:23:47,830
Cool.

527
00:23:50,670 --> 00:23:52,690
I've been inspired by my trip to
Warwick.

528
00:23:53,090 --> 00:23:56,070
Inspired to get the best grades I
possibly could so I didn't end up at uni

529
00:23:56,070 --> 00:23:57,070
with Jay.

530
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,600
And me. But one good thing came out of
the weekend.

531
00:23:59,860 --> 00:24:04,280
Tara dumping Simon meant I got my friend
back. My silver-tongued... Fuck your

532
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:06,860
fucking fanny off, you twat! Slightly
weird.

533
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,240
And still a virgin friend.

534
00:24:11,260 --> 00:24:17,500
Don't ask me. Don't ask me. Don't ask

535
00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:21,740
me. Ask me how I've been.

536
00:24:29,290 --> 00:24:30,630
me to ask